Girl That Can't Tell Time To Graduate Highschool

Boston, MA - Amber Rosenthal is a senior at Charlestown High School. She's on the stunt team, has a 3.2 GPA and is completely, unabashedly unable to read an analog clock. She is among a growing trend of students that are complete idiots, yet will earn their diplomas and go to college.

     Rosenthal was sitting in history class on a recent afternoon. The students were listening to a lecture covering the invasion of Normandy when she leaned to the student in front of her - Terrence Johnson, a sophomore - and asked him what time it was. Terrance quietly pointed to the clock in the room and went about doodling on his desk.
     He was surprised when Rosenthal insisted. "I don't like it when they don't have the numbers," she said.
     Johnson wanted to help. "Teach a girl to fish, you know?" is what he would later say. "I explained the stuff about the big hand and the little hand, and how the big numbers are in groups of five minutes. She didn't seem to care.
     Johnson has many talents. She can text extremely fast, is current on all of the reality and singing competition shows. She doesn't "get what World War II was all about," has never read an entire book, and helped organize last year's prom.
     She will attend the University of Massachusetts, though she hasn't yet picked a major of study.
     

Absurdly Long, Boring Story Concludes With "And I Was Like, Uh..."

Dover, MN - Sources indicate that Jenny Rhine, 27, had the best story to tell. She and her friends were out getting donuts, if you can believe that, and were excited for their best friend Jamie's birthday party that night. But then the funniest thing happened, apparently.
     Rhine, a graduate of the University of Minnesota and who is studying for the CPA exam, and her four friends had all crammed into Julie's car - which only hold five people. This is noteworthy I guess because there were five people travelling? They said they were crammed, but anyways. As they were driving there was an accident at that part of the road a few days ago and they were worried about it but it had all been cleaned up so it was fine.
     So they were driving to get lunch at 2:00 which is so much later than they usually eat, and Julie says "where should we eat?"
     Jenny says "Let's go to Jamba Juice."
     Jasmine, who they all call "Jazz," was all like "I had Jamba for breakfast."
     Then, according to Jenny's telling of the story, Jenny says, totally as a joke, "Let's get donuts!" as they drive by Milton's Donut Hole on 4th street. Donuts for lunch!? That's crazy!
     Then something happened. Sort of. It's not really clear if anything every actually happens in this story, but we'll see. The girls all laugh and scream and say "Yayyyyy!!!" as some glass shatters down the street. They hadn't had donuts for lunch evar!!
     They're super excited and head into the Hole. Jennifer, who is different from Jenny and who is called "Jenns" walks up to the counter and says (you're not going to believe this part) "Oh my gosh I'm so excited for tonight! Give me the fattiest, sugary-est donut you have! I don't care how many calories it has!"
     And the guy behind the counter, according to multiple eye-witnesses, had no idea what to do. What was he to make of this crazy, spontaneous, unexpected situation that doesn't fit within social norms?! This is where Jenny gets to the punchline, I guess.
     Jenny says "As Jenns orders, the guy was totally like 'uh...' and then we were all like "ohmygoshlookathisface!!" "
     The story ended there. Seven minutes after it had begun.

Ashleigh Judging All Of The Ashleys As Roll Is Taken

     Jackson, MI - Ashleigh Baker sat quietly as the teacher called roll. Sometimes the teacher, Mrs. Rupp, says a name wrong and a new nickname is born. Ashleigh's name is easy to read and pronounce, she doesn't fear this moment. In fact, she relishes it.
     You see, Ashley Carter and Ashley Pewter's names are both called after Baker's, and Ashleigh knows how they feel. They have the same name as another girl in class!! And one time, they even wore the exact same jeans and jacket to school. Ashleigh doesn't have this concern, because she's unique. Her parents made sure of that when they named her so special. Ashleigh knows it, and so do the Ashleys. Suckers.
     Also, Ashleigh and her friends - Krystal, Candi, and the other Krystal - are the best dancers in school and might make a living out of it one day.

US Bringing "War On Terror" Home, Attacking Closets, Dark Alleys and the Saw Series of Films

One of many terrors at home the US military seeks to vanquish

Washington DC – With the majority of US troops headed home from Iraq, the White House is refocusing its military efforts in a more homeland-centric manner.

“The War on Terror is finished, at least overseas,” said President Obama in a statement to the White House Press Corps, “but we must never forget our pledge to defend freedom and stamp out terror wherever it may lie. That is why at this time, as troops are coming home, we continue to fight terror on street corners, behind creaky windowpanes, and within every spider that crawls near us.”

It will cost around 70 katrillion dollars.

Local Hero Can Identify The Murderer As Soon As He’s Introduced On Screen

Helena, MT – Catherine Wilson has a gift, she claims. Wanting to make a difference in her community, the thirty-something is seeking to aid the local police in their duty: protecting the residents of Helena. Wilson claims to be able to identify whether or not a man is innocent or guilty the moment he appears on a TV show and begins to interact with the stars.

“Sometimes they want you to think it’s the boyfriend, but it’s almost always the on-the-fringe waiter that had a crush on the victim, who they only interviewed for a second,” Wilson explains. Having watched over 800 episodes of shows like Law and Order, Bones, Castle, Psych, Monk, The Mentalist, Wizards of Waverly Place and Law and Order Criminal Intent, she has become a self-proclaimed savant of identifying the responsible parties.

“Everyone knows it’s never the first suspect, or the most likely suspect. It tends to be the character you would second- or third-least suspect. But I am able to tell as soon as they shake the detective’s hand.”

It is unclear how Catherine thinks this ability would be of use to the police.

“The police have a murder or bank robbery to solve almost every three days. I can’t believe how much death is out on those streets. Crime never stops. Luckily it’s never gang-bangers or ruffians, but just plain old white people that get in over their heads. With so many murders and so few teams of two detectives – one male and one female who really should just get together – I feel that I can save them a lot of time and just be like, no, trust me, it’s actually the president of the eco-friendly company. I know, you wouldn’t think he would kill someone, and all the evidence points to his renegade brother. I’d be happy to help.”

Asked what her secret is, Wilson said it’s simply an observation of human interaction and an innate timing.

“The whole crime tends to be resolved right around the 51^st minute, if you are watching with commercials. So by around minute 47, if you are paying attention you can piece it all together in the rare situation that you can’t just tell by looking at the maid of honor that she really was the right girl for the now deceased groom.”

She is quick to pass on praise. “Listen, I’m not a hero,” she says. “The heroes are the men and women that fight crime in spite of their feelings for their partner, as well as the witnesses that come forth and share crucial 

information at the last possible moment. I’m just trying to do my part.”

In a surprise to no one, Catherine Wilson owns and cares for three cats.

Local 25-Year-Old Roped Into Fifth Childhood Cartoon Conversation This Week

Boise, ID - Mark McIntyre found himself in a familiar situation for the yet again during this interminable week.

Despite every ounce of sense screaming against the decision, McIntyre chose to make a quick Duck Tales reference during a conversation about swimming pools, which sparked an impassioned discussion about the quality and nostalgia surrounding such classics as Freakazoid, Tiny Toons and Tailspin.

“I watched Rescue Rangers every single day,” claimed McIntyre’s pretentious friend Dan, who never had good taste.

“If I were a ninja turtle I think I’d be Raphael,” said the always-original James who always says the most irritating things at the most irritating time.

McIntyre took a break from the group to scream into his pillow. “On Tuesday Michelle was telling me all about her Animaniacs obsession when she was young, as if she was the only person that ever saw Yakko sing all the countries of the world. Then, like four freaking hours later, Aaron was all amped because he had just spent some time YouTubing “the old Spider-man cartoon,” which really bothered me because there were like three Spider-Man cartoons before that one.”

“Now I am stuck in my own house listening to these people discuss Pinky and the Brain as if they had created the stupid show. It turns out, everyone has seen Batman the Animated Series, and everyone liked it. Just like how everyone ate cereal, slept in on weekends and processed oxygen.”

Before rejoining the crowd to correct their misconceptions about The Tick, McIntyre muttered “I don’t even think they understand how awesome Darkwing Duck was.”

Couple That Married For Looks, Money, Decide To Stay Together For Attractive, Well-Connected Children

Lake Oswego, OR - When faced with the tough choice that many couples today deal with, Thomas and Melinda Kempf made a refreshingly unselfish decision.

After 15 years of marriage, the Kempfs were about to call it quits, with Thomas’s job taking him out of town most every weekend and holiday (usually to Vegas) and Melinda struggling to balance her chores as a mother of two (daily trips to the mall, finding work for the maid and cook, and shopping online). They felt it was time to move on to the next stage of their independent lives. After days of counseling, the two decided that they couldn’t split up, because their young children, Jason and Kaylee, mean too much to them.

Thomas, who married Melinda “because of her awesome body that I could show off to my friends” couldn’t leave the family “just as Jason started to play basketball with Warren, the son of Intel’s VP of Marketing James McAllister.”

“I figured Jimmy and I could sit down in the gym and chat about processors, market share and penetrating into Apple’s stranglehold on college campuses, all while pressuring Jason to invite Warren over a couple times a week,” continued Thomas as he texted from his iPhone.

For her part, Melinda, who married Thomas “because where else am I going to find someone who makes $250,000 at the age of 27 and will buy me an Escalade?” says she is excited to see how little Kaylee does in her first beauty pageant, scheduled for Friday the 20^th.

“Jason never wanted to do pageants as much, but I can see that the little girls in his class are starting to see what strong jaw line he has, and that his boyish charm will continue to win them over for years to come. But Kaylee loves to perform. She loves to sing and dance and smile and wave, and has Hollywood written all over her future and bedroom. For Thomas and I to split up now, when her singing lessons cost $1,000 a week and these pageants take up more and more of our time, would be irresponsible and not fair to these innocent, sweet children.

Staying together for the kids is a growing trend among possible divorcees aged 25 – 55, but it is not proven to make the marriage work any better.

Thomas shares a cautionary tale: “My buddy David wanted to stay with his wife after their kids became friends with the Knight boys, you know, from Nike, but his wife just kept gaining weight and her last couple of hair styles just didn’t work anymore. It wasn’t enough.”

Despite things improving for the Kempf’s, they still see struggles down the line. Melinda thinks Jason will be a singer-songwriter, while Kaylee will blossom in her pageant competitions, but Thomas sees both as wonderful networking opportunities at Princeton, Yale, or some other snobby school for rich kids.

Let’s hope they can put aside their differences, and stay together for their promising, happiness-providing children. It would be a win for all of us.